I Can't Pretend That I'm Alright

It's a really funny thing, life.

There are times when you can feel incredible, like you're on top of the world. And there are other times when you can feel like you just want to crawl under a rock because nothing is worth it anymore.

I don't understand the reason that life is the way it is. I sit back and think about why bad things are happening so much lately, and I can't put my finger on it. I think about how I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve all this, but then I realize that it's not just me who feels this way. Bad things happen to everyone.

I just wish that things could get better. Not just for me, but for everyone that's having a hard time right now. I don't get why just sometimes things can't work out. All I want is to be happy, and that's really hard for me right now.

Plus, it doesn't help that the one thing I want more than anything in the world is never going to happen. It hurts so bad just to know that no matter what I do, I'll never get it. It seems foolish to even think about it and I really should just let it go after so long, but for some reason I just cant. I want it so bad, more than anything, and it kills me to know for a fact that I can't have it.

I feel bad thinking this way. I feel selfish because I know that there are a lot of other people who have it so much worse than I do. I have good friends, I have my famly, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food whenever I need it. There are some people who don't even have that. So why do I complain so much?

Maybe it's just because I'm not happy with myself. I don't like the way I look and the things I do always seem to bother at least one person. I'm always so stressed with school and whenever I feel like I'm doing okay again, I get hit with bad news in some form. The fact that my mom isn't home that much and my dad and step-dad arn't around anymore don't help much either.

I think that I really should stop thinking so negative all the time. As hard as it is, I should think about the good times and be thanksful for all the things that I have in my life. It's funny, if you saw me in school or hung out with me for a night you'd think I was the happiest girl in the world. Isn't it amazing how a big smile and a lot of laughs can hide so much?

I just want to be happy again.

Cause we lost it all. Nothing last forever. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now it's just too late and we can't go back, I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

What's Wrong With The World?

I don't understand why bad things happen to such good people.
I don't understand why people have to die.
I don't undersatnd how someone can be here one day and gone the next.
I don't understand why the world is such a bad place.
I don't understand why life is so unfair.
I don't understand how there can be so much pain in someones life.

I just don't understand ...

R.I.P Stephanie.
R.I.P Clyde.
R.I.P Daddy.

I love you all and miss you so much

Let's See How Far We've Come

It's funny how a person can experience so many feeling all at once.
It's funny how things can change so much in such a short period of time.

Dinner with Honor Society and sleeping at Joyce's house were the highlights of my thursday night a.k.a start of spring break. We had fun and thoes boys are the funniest and sweetest ever. They'll deff. make it big.

Friday Night was basically a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Hah no, for real. It started out really sketchy and awkward at first. I started to get really upset, but calmed down when we got into the arena. Plus, I signed the boys bus lmao. But I wrote something really sweet unlike all the 'OMG NICK I LOVE YOUU PLEASE HAVE MY BABIES HERES MY PHONE NUMBER SO THE WHOLE WORLD CAN STALK ME OUT AND KILL ME BUT IT'S OKAY! ILL DIE FOR YOUR LOVE BABY"

I was really nervous while we waited in line, which was weird but I realized it was because I hadn't seen the boys since the end of December. When we got closer and I actually saw their faces I was fine. Mr. J was the cutest man in the world and gave me the biggest hug and told me it was good to see me. I really love that man. EAT IT ALI lmfao<3

I went up to Kevin first and got a HEY YOU! haha. He gave me a really good hug, thanked me for coming and told me it was good to see me. Now let me just say one thing, Nick's hugs are irreplaceable. I don't know what it is about them, but something just gets me every time. I got a 'hey! thank you so much' and a little back rub and then Kevin was like "let's get you a picture."

After the picture I told Nick and Kev how me and my best friend Ali (faggot) we're so proud of them and how amazing this whole thing is. Kev was like "Ah thank you so much. I know it's so crazy" Then Joe came up to me and gave me a hug and said it was good to see me and I gave him Rocco's gifts haha. Basically, that was it. Nothing that special, except for the smiles that I got when they saw me (minus the picture - go die)

Everything after that was unexplainable. I don't know what it was or why it happened but I just started bawling as soon as I walked out of that room. Truthfully I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life, and that's saying something.

I think it finally dawned on me that they made it so far. These thousands, even millions, of screaming fans with "Future Mrs. Jonas" shirts on is what they are now. There's no turning back, as much as I wish there was.

I'm so proud of them, yet I miss them incredibly. I feel like in the past few years I have lost so many people that were close to me, and now I'm adding them to the list. It hurts more than you can even imagine. And sometimes thinking about the old times, how I basically grew up with them for the past 2 years and all the good memories we've had, hurts rather than makes me feel better.

I think there were about 3 songs during the whole concert that I didn't cry and about 10 times that I said I couldn't watch and I wanted to leave. But you know what, I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad everything happened that night the way it did. I'm glad I cried and I'm glad I was upset. Because I finally let out my feelings the only way I knew how to.

Thank God for best friends. Thank God for Aliya and Joyce. Thank God that I can call this girl a faggot and she can call me a bitch and we still love eachother. I don't even know where I would be without them both right now.

It's funny how God works. Sometimes he makes bad things happen to make you stronger. Soemtimes he brings certain people into your life because he knows that some way or another they will have an impacton you. But just for the record the bad things that do happen; he makes them happen because he knows that you can handle them. Because you are a strong person.

Bad Day.

horrible
Definition: unpleasant
Synonyms: appalling, awful, beastly, cruel, detestable, dreadful

There are 8 simple words to describe my day.
It started about 5th period in Italian when I got a 0 on my quiz. Yup thats right, a big fat goose egg. Isn't that just dandy?

So I went the rest of the day worrying about that, plus the 1789652 other things that I have to worry about every day. AND basically I wasn't feeling good about myself, like at all.

I got my report card though, which was actually a lot better than I expected it to be. Let's see shall we? ...

Religion - 95
English - 97
Global - 90
Italian - 83
Biology - 93
Math - 97
V.P - 93
Music - 97
P.E - 90

Overall :: 93.80

Yea, that was iight I guess, but I went down in a lot of subjects. Whatever. School is gay anyway.

The thing that DID make my day was this ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGdm53BXn6w

just, go watch. trust me.
aliya is a fagg and showed it to me.
and made my day better. love you slut.

Concert Friday!

"I wanna be a Jonas Brother!
I'm not gay enough to be a Jonas Brother?! :[ "

Back In Action

I decided that I actually wanna write again. Read it or don't read it - sa'll good. I don't know how much I'll be able to update this cause I've been really busy but we'll see.

What's been new with me lately? Mostly usually absolutely nothing. Canada was a lot of fun but when I came back, yea that wasn't so fun. I've been majorly stressed out the past couple of weeks but hey, what am I gunna do? The perks of being in high school.

Speaking of school sports night was the other week. It was amazing, even though we sucked kinda sorta haha. The sophs juniors and seniors were amazing and the seniors won which is good. The bad part of sports night: it got me so sick.

Yup, the past couple of days I've been home sick with a fever, ear infection, sore throat and stuffy nose. Fun right? Totally. Other than that not much has been going on. I'm so excited for the break though anddd the summer! Can't wait!

So I'm gunna leave you at that.
Adios amigas!

P.S: Nick Jonas is 5 years old :]

Adios 2007.

Okay so I felt the need to post one of these too ..I'm probably leaving out SO much but it's okay cause it's all in my head.

2007.
first off - Best Summer of my LIFE!

- Hawaii with cousin<3 Never ever ever gunna forget that. Thoes kids, we miss em haha. LIKE LIKE! beach everyday. the annoying tour guide. surfing, parasailing, just chillin. NO PETAFILES! scarryy haha. WE WERE SCARED! but then .. apple juice! AMAZZZZZING TANS that I want back sooo bad!Christina, I love you and I'm always here for you babe.

- then Puerto Rico with thoes two hoes that I love to death. I don't think I've had that much fun in forever. Blue shorts gray shorts! Scary as anything! "I don't wanna get raped!" Good thing thoes Canadians protected us<3 haha I miss them. and of course .. ____ and ____ and _____ on the phone every single day/night. Intercontinental<3 Major snack food. Locking Amanda on the pourch. Metro Pol! "They're our friends, they flew in." iPhone ranmblings .. you're not making any sence?! hahah. Best vacation with best friends<3

- of course, all of the concerts. I don't even know if I can name them all from the summer and I'm not even gunna try. But all I know was, there was tears, laughter, and everything in betwen ... but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Traveling doesn't even come close to describing what we've done. G&G dance! Coochie! Secrets. Jerseys. "That fatty is probably home eating M&M's" .. establishing the Kevtuplets? V.I.P

- anddddd can't forget the beach club! beeeeeee, you're my life even though you're not gunna read this its all good ahaha. and graduation, prom, parties, throwing me in the pool .. haha never gunna forget that. and of course being bums all day .. that was my life all summer haha. Summer 07 was the abs. BEST.

basically, throughout the whole year I've made such good memories and such good friends. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've changed, for the better. I can tell now that my next 4 years are going to be amazing, thanks to my girlies. And of course Bee, Lau, Amanda & Amanda and all my others<3 ily alll so much, thanks for making this year abs. amazing!

ROADTRIP!

Wow.
2nd row, backstage - j&H!!!!!!!, rockstar dance, BLIZZARDS!, bestfriends<3, AMAZING hugs, screennames = PONED PONED PONED PONED PONED.




PONED :]